I Don’t Have to be Pregnant Anymore – On Letting Go

Photo Credit: Brad Smith

Photo Credit: Brad Smith

A year ago one of my friends in my infertility support group calmly and joyfully announced that she asked God to take away her desire to be pregnant. When those words hit my ears, I thought she was nuts (sorry friend). Who would pray such a thing? Isn’t pregnancy a natural and right thing to desire? I could not begin to fathom praying a prayer like that. Not when becoming pregnant with our child was the one thing I wanted most in all of the world. Not when I cried and prayed for this miracle every day. Not when all I wanted was a Baby and a Baby NOW!

Many, many months have passed since that time. Following my surgery that determined that we could not naturally become pregnant (you can read about that here), I grieved and cried every day. My grief was so deep, and my hunger to be pregnant so strong, that it was really hard to see past it. I thought about my friend’s prayer from time to time but I just couldn’t pray it. It was too hard to let go.

Then two months ago, I heard that still, small Voice in my spirit urging me to pray that prayer: To ask God to take away my insatiable hunger to be pregnant. To fully allow Him to implant the desire to adopt into my heart. With a small seed of faith and lots of emotion, I came to Him and made that request. It was a big, “not-my-will-but-Yours” moment for me.

It wasn’t until about a week later that it dawned on me that I felt much lighter. I wasn’t as sad as before. In fact, I realized that I was at a place of deep peace about not being pregnant and about walking the path of adopting. I had greater joy about the Better Plan God chose for us than I had ever had before.

I guess my friend wasn’t nuts (sorry I thought that about you, friend… you know who you are). Or maybe I’ve joined her in the craziness. Whatever the case, I’m so thankful that God answered my prayer and that I can now move ahead with our adoption with a full heart. I’m thankful God is a Good Shepherd who brings us to the place we need to be as we wait for His timing and trust Him. The path often seems uncomfortable, dark, painful but I can already see how beautiful it is. God is Good, friends. He is so Faithful.



Adoption: Four Ways to Pray for Us

Square Udall Family-55My friend Amy asked me earlier this week how she can be praying for Ben and me as we prepare to adopt. I was so touched by her commitment to pray for us. It meant more than I imagined to know that she and her husband are standing with us in this process.

Lately I’ve been struck by the immensity of what we are doing. To move toward parenthood in this way brings so much heart-wrenching emotion. So many ‘what-ifs’. I feel the need for God’s help and the support of our community more now than ever.

If you feel so led to pray for us, here’s a short list of things to pray for as we fully step into the adoption process.

1. Wisdom to Prepare Well

We need lots of wisdom of how to prepare physically, mentally, and emotionally for welcoming our little one into our home. We don’t know at what stage we will meet our Birth Mom/child – it could be months before they are born or days after they are born or something in between. It’s a lot for this planner.

2. Healing of Our Hearts

We are working through the grief of infertility but still have more work to do. Even as we are so excited to welcome our little one into our home, we grieve the loss of a dream. We want to be as emotionally healthy as possible as we become parents.

3. Peace and Patience with the Process

As we move forward with the many adoption details and emotions, we have a need for God’s peace and for patience with the waiting. Please pray that we would rest in God’s sovereignty and trust His faithfulness.

4. Healthy Baby

We have already been praying for our future Birth Family and for how our child will be taken care of in the womb. Would you join us in praying for the well-being of our child even now?


Again, we have been amazed and touched by the support and love of our community. Thank you for walking with us in this.