I Don’t Have to be Pregnant Anymore – On Letting Go

Photo Credit: Brad Smith

Photo Credit: Brad Smith

A year ago one of my friends in my infertility support group calmly and joyfully announced that she asked God to take away her desire to be pregnant. When those words hit my ears, I thought she was nuts (sorry friend). Who would pray such a thing? Isn’t pregnancy a natural and right thing to desire? I could not begin to fathom praying a prayer like that. Not when becoming pregnant with our child was the one thing I wanted most in all of the world. Not when I cried and prayed for this miracle every day. Not when all I wanted was a Baby and a Baby NOW!

Many, many months have passed since that time. Following my surgery that determined that we could not naturally become pregnant (you can read about that here), I grieved and cried every day. My grief was so deep, and my hunger to be pregnant so strong, that it was really hard to see past it. I thought about my friend’s prayer from time to time but I just couldn’t pray it. It was too hard to let go.

Then two months ago, I heard that still, small Voice in my spirit urging me to pray that prayer: To ask God to take away my insatiable hunger to be pregnant. To fully allow Him to implant the desire to adopt into my heart. With a small seed of faith and lots of emotion, I came to Him and made that request. It was a big, “not-my-will-but-Yours” moment for me.

It wasn’t until about a week later that it dawned on me that I felt much lighter. I wasn’t as sad as before. In fact, I realized that I was at a place of deep peace about not being pregnant and about walking the path of adopting. I had greater joy about the Better Plan God chose for us than I had ever had before.

I guess my friend wasn’t nuts (sorry I thought that about you, friend… you know who you are). Or maybe I’ve joined her in the craziness. Whatever the case, I’m so thankful that God answered my prayer and that I can now move ahead with our adoption with a full heart. I’m thankful God is a Good Shepherd who brings us to the place we need to be as we wait for His timing and trust Him. The path often seems uncomfortable, dark, painful but I can already see how beautiful it is. God is Good, friends. He is so Faithful.



Adoption Process – Our 6 Steps to Adopt

Udall Family-31Ben and I have been working to clarify what our adoption process will most likely look like. I don’t know about you, but I love lists! From what I know at this point, here’s a overview of our expected process:

Step 1: Home Study –  Where we are Today

This is an assessment of prospective adoptive parents to see if they are suitable to adopt a child. It can take 2-5 months an involves 16 hours of classes, multiple interviews with a social worker, and a LOT of paperwork. The bottom-line purpose of the home study is to decipher any indicators that a child could be abused or neglected. It will be a good process for us to go through as we will be talking through our anticipated parenting plans, etc. before our child is in our arms (kinda like pre-parent counseling).

Step 2: Adoption Consultant Sign-Up

We are planning to work with Dawn and Jason Wright with Christian Adoption Consultants. Adoption Consultants provide added support and resourcing as we walk through the adoption process. They have 10 different vetted agencies that we choose from to apply for placement. Working with a consultant often results in a faster, smoother placement. Dawn and Jason have adopted 9 kids and have already started helping us with our questions.

Step 3: Profile Book Completion

Our profile book is what introduces us to potential Birth Families. They will look through several couple’s profile books at a time to help them choose who they would like to place their child with. It can also be a helpful process for Birth Mom’s to decide if she is going to place her child with a family. Our profile book will contain information about ourselves, including pictures. We will also have an online profile.

Step 4: Sign Up with Agencies

Once we have completed our profile book, we will sign up with several agencies and wait to be chosen.

Step 5: Wait and Selection

We will be waiting until Birth Parents chose us. Depending on how far along our Birth Mom is, we will meet with her before her due date and even (ideally) be at the hospital when our child is born. Some Birth Moms choose to place their baby later in their pregnancy or even right after their baby is born, so we’re waiting to see at what part of our baby’s development we’ll connect.

Step 6: Placement

Once we are holding Baby Udall there will be followup appointments with our social worker. Typically six months after placement, our child legally becomes ours for life and is issued a new birth certificate.

Fundraising and Saving

Throughout this whole process we are also working on Fundraising and Saving. If you want to help in this part of the process, you can send us a check or go to the link below to give. Right now we’re focusing on completing the first two steps of the process. We are almost half way to what we will need for Home Study! We have been amazed and humbled by the generosity of friends and family.

Give to Udall Adoption Through GoFundMe


It’s pretty exciting to step out in faith and to trust God to provide. We fully believe He will provide all we need for this process – financially, emotionally, relationally, etc. We are really thankful that He has us on this path. We are filled with joy as we plan for the steps ahead.



Adoption: Worry vs. Trust

ocean-sea-stones-4358Since announcing our Adoption (see We Are Adopting!) l have been faced with an invisible battle of worry and fretting. Our Bible Study group is going through a book called Undone by Michele Cushatt. It’s a great read. In the book Michele describes worry as a way of seeking control over the unknowns in our lives. That really resonated with me.

See, there are a lot of things I’m worrying about in the adoption process. There are so many unknowns. The big one is not knowing how long the process will take. It almost certainly won’t fit into the ‘normal’ 9-month time frame. In our case, we don’t know what part of the country our child will be from. We don’t know what race our child will be. We don’t know who his or her parents are. We don’t know what part of our child’s first days we’ll be a part of: Will we connect with our Birth Mom months before she goes into labor? Will we get to be there for our child’s birth? There are just a lot of unknowns.

Then there’s the Home Study process that can take up to 5 months and involves a dictionary-sized book of paperwork and multiple interviews that examine every aspect of our lives. At the end of this process we will be either approved or not approved to adopt. That’s intimidating.

There is also the creation of our Profile Book. This is the picture book that introduces who we are as a family to potential Birth Families. It’s our first introduction to our child’s Birth Parents and how they will initially chose us to adopt their Birth Child. And of course I want ours to be perfect.

There are a lot of things out of our control. Bring on the worry! … But God.

Today God interrupted my stream of worried thoughts and led me to read Psalm 37. He rocked my world with this Psalm. In this part of scripture He says things like: “Do not fret, it leads only to harm.” “Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.” “Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it.”

Then I ran into this part: “When they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Isn’t that a beautiful picture? As Ben and I walk into this season filled with unknowns He holds our hand. Like a Daddy with his toddler. When we hit the cracks in the sidewalk, we aren’t going to fall.

This Psalm is so rich with truth. Powerful truth that today has stopped the raging sea of worry within my soul and replaced it with Peaceful Trust. I know this battle of seeking control through worry vs. peaceful trust in God has only just begun. But I’m so thankful that today, the Lord used Truth to over come my worry. I am going to be visiting Psalm 37 often over the coming months. God is our Help in this process. He is Good. He is Faithful. He will do it!