Adoption: Worry vs. Trust

ocean-sea-stones-4358Since announcing our Adoption (see We Are Adopting!) l have been faced with an invisible battle of worry and fretting. Our Bible Study group is going through a book called Undone by Michele Cushatt. It’s a great read. In the book Michele describes worry as a way of seeking control over the unknowns in our lives. That really resonated with me.

See, there are a lot of things I’m worrying about in the adoption process. There are so many unknowns. The big one is not knowing how long the process will take. It almost certainly won’t fit into the ‘normal’ 9-month time frame. In our case, we don’t know what part of the country our child will be from. We don’t know what race our child will be. We don’t know who his or her parents are. We don’t know what part of our child’s first days we’ll be a part of: Will we connect with our Birth Mom months before she goes into labor? Will we get to be there for our child’s birth? There are just a lot of unknowns.

Then there’s the Home Study process that can take up to 5 months and involves a dictionary-sized book of paperwork and multiple interviews that examine every aspect of our lives. At the end of this process we will be either approved or not approved to adopt. That’s intimidating.

There is also the creation of our Profile Book. This is the picture book that introduces who we are as a family to potential Birth Families. It’s our first introduction to our child’s Birth Parents and how they will initially chose us to adopt their Birth Child. And of course I want ours to be perfect.

There are a lot of things out of our control. Bring on the worry! … But God.

Today God interrupted my stream of worried thoughts and led me to read Psalm 37. He rocked my world with this Psalm. In this part of scripture He says things like: “Do not fret, it leads only to harm.” “Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.” “Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it.”

Then I ran into this part: “When they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Isn’t that a beautiful picture? As Ben and I walk into this season filled with unknowns He holds our hand. Like a Daddy with his toddler. When we hit the cracks in the sidewalk, we aren’t going to fall.

This Psalm is so rich with truth. Powerful truth that today has stopped the raging sea of worry within my soul and replaced it with Peaceful Trust. I know this battle of seeking control through worry vs. peaceful trust in God has only just begun. But I’m so thankful that today, the Lord used Truth to over come my worry. I am going to be visiting Psalm 37 often over the coming months. God is our Help in this process. He is Good. He is Faithful. He will do it!

 

 

Infertility’s Impact

hand-garden-flower-dandelionOn April 10 we received the confirmation through surgery that we are not able to have children. I was in shock. I underwent the surgery to find out if I have endometriosis and if so to clear away problem growth to make it easier to get pregnant. I was not prepared for the doctor to tell us the damage cannot be reversed. The massive weight of this news didn’t start hitting my heart until four days later.

The past weeks have been a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. In the downs, I have never felt this level of grief before. Hours of ugly crying ensues. On those bad days I am afraid to interact with the world around me. It feels like emotional land mines are everywhere. Even making my doctor’s appointment the other day I was bombarded with the dreaded, “why don’t you have kids yet,” question.

It has been a long journey. Four and a half years of trying, hoping, praying, wondering…suddenly ended. Years of testing… done forever. The Death of a Dream.

Scripture says, “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12). Let me tell you my heart has been throwing up all over the place. I’m realizing that this isn’t like other pains and hardships I’ve experienced in my life thus far. This is something that is life-long. I know the majority of the pain will be healed but it will always be there at some level – like a battle scar. There will always be baby showers, birthing stories, pregnant friends, and people who won’t understand. It feels like being suddenly cut off from a shared experience of 80% of the women I know.

Today is a good day. My heart is hopeful and my eyes are on Jesus. I know He knows and He cares. Scripture says He was, “a man of sorrows, acquainted with the deepest grief” (Is. 53:3). He is with me in this pain. He is actually the only One who can fully understand it. I’m clinging to truth about Him today. He is faithful. There are other days when clinging to truth doesn’t come so easy, but today, this is where I stand.