Missing Mom at Six Months

sea-nature-sunny-beachNo one knows
the tears still inside me.

People think it’s all past.
They think I’m all better.

Every once in a while
I think, I hope, I pray
that things will be better too.

But then I remember.
And the pain floods back,
and the bottom falls out,
and I fall and I fall.

And I know once again
that things aren’t all better.
My loved one is gone,
and I cry alone.

How much longer, God?
How long does this last?

(From Finding Hope and Healing by Kenneth C. Haugk)

This poem represents the past six months well. I have moments where I think I’m all better – healed – from the grief and trauma of losing Mom. In fact, I didn’t cry for a whole month. And then, very recently, the memories flooded back. I almost feel like I just lost her yesterday. It’s like reality is just setting in. Oh, this is permanent. Suck.

I don’t have many profound words tonight. But I found this scripture passage very reassuring as I ride the waves of grief:

“‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you.” (Is. 54:10)

I’m so thankful that God is compassionate. He is mindful that we are but dust. And he understands grief.



Four Months: The Linden Tree, A Poem

LeafMy Mom’s name, Linea, means Linden Tree in Scandinavian. Her middle name, Lynn, means lake or a body of water. Her life, as her name, reflects to me the truth of Jeremiah 17:8 from the Bible:

“They [God’s people] are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.”

This is in honor of Mom at four months after her passing.


The Linden Tree stands tall and beautiful.
Leaves of bright green shimmer in the sun;
Love Leaves with shape of heart,
Exhibiting what flows through the Tree.

Linden is planted by a flowing stream,
Life-giving hydration soaking into deep roots.

The heat rises – fiery, bleak, strong.
Surrounding trees wither and fade.
Linden Tree remains untouched,
Her leaves robust and beautiful.

The deep Roots, hard-won keep Linden strong.
The deep Roots bring Linden Abundant Life.



A Letter to Mom – 3 Months

785-BenLizWed-7982It’s hard to believe it has been three months since Mom passed. In many ways I feel grieving her loss has only just begun. Today I wrote her a letter and found it helpful. It’s so cathartic to get the overwhelming emotions I’m experiencing outside of myself.

Dear Momma,

I miss you so much. I wish I could visit you and hear your voice and see your smile. I know you are now finding all of the promises of God that you held onto in life fulfilled. I am so happy for you. I wish we could sit together and I could hear all about how you are and what you’re experiencing.

Thank you Mom for teaching me to love. Thank you for teaching me to laugh and be silly. Thank you for teaching me to pray – to trust God in hard things. These lessons are in full force these days.

You were always so good at loving me, Mom. So very good at loving other people. Thank you for being faithful.

Mom, I miss you more than I can say. I am so happy that we will be reunited one day. But for now – Earth just isn’t the same without you.

Mom, I love thinking about you on my wedding day. You were so beautiful. Your smile just lit up the room. The most beautiful Mother of the Bride. I’m so glad you were there.

Thank you for how you welcomed Ben into our family. You crocheted him a Christmas stocking, just like the rest of the family. He loves it so much. It was perfect – a Beautiful Act of Love.

That phrase describes your whole life, Momma – a Beautiful Act of Love. I wish we could still have you with us on this Earth. Things seem a little colder without you. But I know you are experiencing the fulfillment of all your desires and I would not wish you back for anything.

All my love,