Missing Mom at Six Months

sea-nature-sunny-beachNo one knows
the tears still inside me.

People think it’s all past.
They think I’m all better.

Every once in a while
I think, I hope, I pray
that things will be better too.

But then I remember.
And the pain floods back,
and the bottom falls out,
and I fall and I fall.

And I know once again
that things aren’t all better.
My loved one is gone,
and I cry alone.

How much longer, God?
How long does this last?

(From Finding Hope and Healing by Kenneth C. Haugk)

This poem represents the past six months well. I have moments where I think I’m all better – healed – from the grief and trauma of losing Mom. In fact, I didn’t cry for a whole month. And then, very recently, the memories flooded back. I almost feel like I just lost her yesterday. It’s like reality is just setting in. Oh, this is permanent. Suck.

I don’t have many profound words tonight. But I found this scripture passage very reassuring as I ride the waves of grief:

“‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you.” (Is. 54:10)

I’m so thankful that God is compassionate. He is mindful that we are but dust. And he understands grief.



Embracing Grief. Embracing Healing.

cropped black-and-white-waves-close-up-view-circleThe past six months have been filled with loss, crisis, grief, and pain. To say the least, it has been a tough season to walk through.

I’ve experienced numerous losses over these months:

  • Leaving my Job of eight years in the fall – my first job out of college.
  • My Mom passing away at the end of February after a 20-year battle with illness.
  • Receiving the diagnosis of Infertility from my doctor after 4½ years of searching for answers.

The compounding of these losses have at times forced me to my knees in heart-wrenching tears. They’ve caused me to ask the tough questions of and about God. They have brought me to multiple days of deep sadness and lethargy and Netflix watching.

Each Loss involves grieving multiple additional losses: The loss of a Dream. Loss of a Voice. Loss of Community. It’s complicated. Messy.

I haven’t always known how to grieve well. When I was 15 my friend died in a house fire. I never shed a tear. Instead I told myself that I needed to be strong and go on with life for her – a very heroic sentiment – but it messed me up. I never allowed the tragedy and sadness of her death to touch my heart. It has taken me years to begin to learn how to grieve well. I am thankful that during this season God led my heart to choose to Embrace the Grief.

I’ve realized that if I don’t allow the painful emotions to hit my heart, it will be like a bone that never sets correctly. I have to walk through the process – every painful step – in order to come out more whole on the other side. I know I have to take the time to cry, to think, to share.

It has been 11 weeks since Mom passed. I know at some level I’ll be grieving her loss for the rest of my life. Not being able to have children who share our DNA is something that this mother’s heart may never be fully okay with. Tears come at unexpected times.

But I have Hope. I’m at a place now where I can see the benefit of embracing the pain and being brutally honest with God. The hard days are lessening and I’m starting to function again. I’m cleaning my house more often. I’m hanging out with friends. I’m going for walks. I’m not spending multiple days watching Netflix. Feelings of anxiety and fear and deep sadness are less frequent. All good steps forward.

Then I have a few bad days where I’ve never felt deeper sadness in my life. On some of those days all I can do is cry out for God to prove His faithfulness again. It’s hard to see a way forward on those days.

Even as I don’t know how long the Season of Grief will be, the Season of Healing has begun. I have the hope that in the end I will be more whole.

As I walk through this Season of Grief, God is birthing new dreams in my heart. I see the world from a deeper, more mature, perspective. I feel more whole than I did before the Season of Grief began. I know myself and God a little better than I did before. I trust God a little more than I did before. I have more compassion for others who are hurting than I did before. I have faith that God is going to Redeem the loss for myself and for others. I am trusting that He is faithful.

I am Embracing Healing.