Tough Seasons – The Ebb and Flow of Grief

pexels-photoThis is the tough season. I wasn’t expecting it. Christmas flew by with a flurry of activity. Before I knew it, it was mid-January and my heart was ice. I didn’t have energy. I was just making the survival motions to get to the end of each day.

That’s when the crying started. Finally the heart-ice was melting but it hurt oh-so-much. My wonderful hubby’s shoulder was regularly whetted with my tears. It was as if Mom died yesterday. I thought I was past this point of grief.

This has been my life for the past month. As I approach the one-year of Mom’s death on February 26, I have a roller coaster of emotions. This week last year I was at Mom’s bedside at the Coudersport Hospital ICU in Pennsylvania. She was breathing with the help of a respirator. She couldn’t talk. She couldn’t swallow. I never knew what it meant to not be able to swallow. She was in agony. I wanted more than anything to trade places with her. To take away the suffering she felt. I was helpless.

I’ve always loved my birthday. It sounds pretty selfish but it’s true. I have so many happy memories associated with the day. This year my birthday engenders a different feeling. There’s a gray cloud over next Tuesday. It was the day we made the decision to remove Mom from all artificial life-sustaining support. It was the day we chose to let Mom go. That was a hard day.

This week, the storm clouds of grief have lifted a bit. I have finally arrived at a place where I can write again. I can communicate with others what is going on inside my heart. I can remember the good of my Mother’s life and be incredibly thankful. I can live. I can see that there is good yet to come in this life. I can look at the future with a smile.

These next two weeks are going to be hard. I’ll need the love and support from the Lord, my family, and my friends to get to the other side. However, I know these two weeks will be good. It’s good to remember. To mourn and to grieve. There’s a time for everything. I trust it will be time to laugh, to celebrate, to rejoice soon.

Thanks for reading. Thank you for caring. I am so thankful for the community the Lord has given me for this season.