Missing Mom at Six Months

sea-nature-sunny-beachNo one knows
the tears still inside me.

People think it’s all past.
They think I’m all better.

Every once in a while
I think, I hope, I pray
that things will be better too.

But then I remember.
And the pain floods back,
and the bottom falls out,
and I fall and I fall.

And I know once again
that things aren’t all better.
My loved one is gone,
and I cry alone.

How much longer, God?
How long does this last?

(From Finding Hope and Healing by Kenneth C. Haugk)

This poem represents the past six months well. I have moments where I think I’m all better – healed – from the grief and trauma of losing Mom. In fact, I didn’t cry for a whole month. And then, very recently, the memories flooded back. I almost feel like I just lost her yesterday. It’s like reality is just setting in. Oh, this is permanent. Suck.

I don’t have many profound words tonight. But I found this scripture passage very reassuring as I ride the waves of grief:

“‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you.” (Is. 54:10)

I’m so thankful that God is compassionate. He is mindful that we are but dust. And he understands grief.



On Going Back to Work

Back to WorkSo, I’ve been away for a while. In the last month there have been some big changes. I started working again after nine months of self-imposed sabbatical. I am so thankful for those months off. I know I would not be at the place of wholeness I’m experiencing now without it. But I am SO thankful to be back in the 9-to-5 working world.

I signed up with a temp agency in the first week of July. The very next week I had my first day at a behavioral health center that does therapy with children who are on the Autism Spectrum. Every day I get to interact with amazing parents and care providers who are working to bring greater potential to the lives of children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. It’s a privilege to work there. It’s a 6-10 week assignment so we will see what happens after that time is up.

On the adoption front, we have completed our Home Study Application and have a phone call with the Home Study Director on Tuesday. We hope to be in the full swing of Home Study by the end of the month. It will most likely take 2-5 months to complete this very important first step in our adoption process.

On a heart front, I am at peace. I have so much peace about the Wait of adoption right now. At this point, I’m thinking it will be at least two years before we are holding Baby Udall in our arms. It takes a long time to raise $30K. But in that time, I know we are going to grow and mature and be even better parents in the future because of the time spent waiting.

I have more to tell you but it will have to wait for another post. I’m still working on adjusting to this full-time job. Sometimes I really miss all that free time. ;) Thanks for reading!